It's All About Me

Over the holidays I visited a friend who really doesn't have a lot going for her. But she could. The problem is that she is so focused on her own failings. Her own inadequacies. So much so that those around her simply can't see how beautiful she is inside. Because of her own insecurities she draws attention to herself in subtle ways. Things like commenting on how her voice is cracking today, how bad her hair looks, how much weight she has lost (or gained), or what the doctor said about her blood pressure. Me, me, me.

How much better we all are if we can learn to be honest with ourselves and stop talking about ourselves and admit that we are creating circumstances so that we will get attention and simply stop doing that. (I remember once having a broken wrist and loving the attention I got with my cast.) Others know it and it turns them away.

Important thing to learn: The very thing we do to get others to like us will, in fact, turn them away. Others are not interested in us; they are interested in themselves and the sooner we learn that, the sooner we will discover that we are accepted.

My heart aches for her. I don't think she will give her Self up.

Easy-to-Get?

I have a friend who is only 35 but she runs off every man she is interested in. She is not overbearing, is intelligent, funny, and is great fun to be around. However, she scares guys off with her over-eligibility. She seldom makes concrete plans because she wants to be available.

She doesn’t know how to live the legitimate aspect of hard-to-get. It’s not a game. It’s giving someone space. But more so, it is letting the other person know she has a life without him and that is crucial for any relationship to be healthy. Men don’t like to feel smothered and it doesn’t hurt them to know that occasionally (or may even frequently) the object of their affection has other things to do that don’t include them.

Besides, it keeps up interest. We all can get bored with someone really quick when they are always around. And one thing the young women of today’s culture have not learned is that men really do like to do the chasing. And when they are chased, they run.

Unmarried and Lonely

Some time ago I was at a friend’s house who, in a rare moment of truth, was honest enough to me to admit that she longed to be married. She was in her 50’s and had never been married. Like many singles I know, usually if asked about this she would smile and say she enjoyed being single, found life fulfilling, and was content with her lot. Marriage wasn’t for everyone. But now she was being honest and admitted how lonely she was and wondered why no one had wanted to marry her.

I could have given her a few reasons but chose not to, for I did not feel she would receive what I had to say. I thought I would lose a friend. In retrospect, I believe I was wrong and wish I had spoken honestly. But I kept my mouth shut.

What would I have said? Susan, have you ever listened to yourself? Have you heard how much you criticize others? Have you heard how dictatorial you are when you want someone to do something for you? Have you listened to yourself when you are in a public place and find fault with something about the business? Do you see how lazy you are around the house (and yet go to the gym to work out)? Do you hear yourself? Who would want to spend his life with you constantly in your presence? Not someone you would want.

I have thought of this many times and ultimately these thoughts are the outcome. There will probably be more. I can only hope she will read them and take some of my suggestions to heart. If so, she will probably find that she has more friends and who knows? Maybe someone will like the new her and, yes, fall in love with her and want to spend his life with her.